What you're about to read is a typical script for Nick Arnold's Horrible Best Bits Show … read on and shudder!

Nick Arnold: My name's Nick Arnold and I'm here today because I've written the Horrible Science books.
Right now you're about to see the Horrible Science Best Bits show - the show that brings the Horrible Science books to loathsome life! Horrible Science books are famous for horrible stories - so we shall have horrible stories … Horrible Science books have quizzes in and so will this show! And Horrible Science books have experiments to try at home and we'll be doing some activities here - but we'll need volunteers...

Put your hand up if you'd like to come on down and help with an experiment …

Didn't your parents teach you anything - NEVER volunteer for nothing! You don't even know what you're volunteering for! We'll need volunteers to …

- Put their hands in a bucket of body bits!
- Get scared to death!
- Get soaked by a bucket of water!
Who wants to volunteer now?
(Everyone puts their hand up!)
Nick: Oh well, don't say I didn't warn you! Let's have our first experiment - the body bits challenge!
(A volunteer is called onto the stage and blindfolded. An assistant brings on a bucket of body bits. The volunteer has to tell the audience what the body bits are using only her sense of touch - YEOCH!!!)
 
Nick: Who's got a little brother or sister? They can be annoying can't they? But there's a way to get your own back and that's to scare the pants off them. Here's a story from Painful Poison that will do just that …
(A volunteer is called on to the stage and the theatre is darkened. Nick reads Meet the Neighbours, the story on page 111 of Painful Poison. You can read the story too - it's in the books section of this website! At the crucial moment Nick puts a tarantula spider in the volunteer's hair and makes her scream. (Don't worry parents, it's probably not real!))
 
Nick: Have you ever asked yourself whether you're any good at science? Could you be a superb stunning splendid scientist? Or maybe you're a bewildered baffled bumbling boffin? Well, now's your chance to find out because it's Quiz Time! Our quiz has three questions. Each question has two possible answers - TRUE or FALSE. I'll ask the question and you need to vote for true or false. If you don't know the answers you have to guess and we want everyone to take part and that includes mums and dads!
 
Quiz round one
(Psst readers, why don't you have a go at these questions? And don't forget to play the interactive Horrible Science quiz games in this website too!)
1. Guinea Pigs are amazingly strong. You can even stand on one without squashing it flat - True or false?
Answer
FALSE - There is a small furry creature you can stand on but it's not a guinea pig and it's certainly not your little brother! It's a hero shrew and it has a strong backbone that can take the weight of an adult human. If you tried to stand on a guinea pig you'd have to eat a guinea pig pancake.
2. In the 1960's a woman in America taught her dog to drive a car - True or false?
FALSE - Dr Dorothy Megallon did teach her pet to drive - but it wasn't a dog. It was her horse she taught. The horse drove the special car perfectly and I'm sure it had plenty of horsepower!
3. You can chop off a cockroach's head and it can live and run about for a week - True or false?
TRUE - And if you don't believe me let's prove it with an experiment.
(Nick produces a cockroach, a knife and a chopping block but is persuaded not to do the experiment or let the cockroach escape by screaming panicking parents. The children are disappointed.)
 
Nick: Well, maybe it's a good thing I didn't let the cockroach escape. If a female cockroach laid its eggs and all the babies bred within one year there would 400,000 cockroaches. But talking about nasty experiments I'm looking for a volunteer to get soaked by a bucket of water …

(The volunteer is made wear an embarrassing bath hat. The audience decides to get him soaking wet and a whole bottle of water is poured into a bucket. First Nick demonstrates that there is water in the bucket and how gravity affects the water by pouring some on the volunteer's head. The audience is eager for all the water to be poured and so Nick offers to turn the bucket upside-down - but something goes wrong and you can find out what it is by trying the experiment yourself. It's in the Experiments section of this website!)
 
Nick: Talking about horrible experiments - it's amazing what scientists will put themselves through in the name of science. (Nick reads Really Rotten Experiments - page 98 Fearsome Finale and award the prizes for the most rotten experiments ever. You can read it yourself in the books section of this website!)
 
Nick: But at least the scientists were still alive after the experiments. And so are we - and that's good news because scientists reckon we might be wiped out by a giant space rock called an asteroid some time in the next million years. To end this show I'd like to celebrate our survival with a small poem and here it is …
It's not the end of the world … yet!
We've made it - we've done it
We've lived another day
The Earth has spun another spin
We've not been blown away!
And all the asteroids and comets
That could have hit and blast us
Have once more missed
And we've escaped those nasty big disasters
So let's crack open the fizzy pop
And lick another lollipop
And make the best of what we've got
There was no asteroid
And the world's not been destroyed
But there is a real downside
And I feel a certain sorrow
If we've survived another day
Oh YUCK - it's school tomorrow!
Thank you very much - HAPPY HORRIBLE SCIENCE EVERYONE!